A man should be able to...

Hold a newborn baby. Psychologists tell us that babies are born with two natural fears while all others are learned: falling, and loud noises. As such, newborns should be wrapped tightly and held against the chest. They like tight spaces and rhythmic movements, so tuck them snugly in the crook of your elbow or neck. Rock back and forth like you're bored without getting too crazy with the hips. Imagine how relaxed you would be riding Space Mountain without a restraining bar, and you get the idea. Your motion should be more subtle, somewhat reminiscent of your days as a Jr. High wallflower. No one has to notice except the baby. Don't breathe all over them.

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A man should be able to

Use chopsticks: The Chinese were eating spaghetti and blowing things up with gunpowder at a time when the latest summer fashions in Western Europe still included the word ‘loincloth.’ How they missed out on the fork, I’ll never know. All the same, China continues to become a more and more significant player on the world stage at a time when the U.S. is beginning to slip into cultural irrelevance. You need to learn about other cultures, learn that they matter, and learn why they matter.

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A man should be able to...

I made a few updates on the plane.

Shake hands. Steady, firm grip, pump 1.5 times, let go. Make eye contact. Smiles don’t hurt either, but it shouldn’t be goofy.
Tie a knot. My default is the square knot, and it works as a pretty good base for every other knot I need to tie. Every time I tie it I hear Brother Ferrin’s voice in my head: “Wright! Right over left, left over right!” “My right or yours?” “It doesn’t matter!”
Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap (on target), throw a football with a tight spiral (again, on target), and hit an eight-foot jumper reliably. Otherwise, play more ball.
Avoid boredom. You have enough to east. You can move. This must be acknowledged as a kind of freedom. You don’t always have to buy things, put things in your mouth, or be delighted.
Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. Just like Edde Sellers.
Do a job you don’t want to do and learn from it. When I was thirteen I took a job preparing the fields at the city ballpark for the games. It required a lot of time (at least for a thirteen-year-old) and didn’t pay much (even for a thirteen-year-old). After about a month I asked my dad if I could quit. He asked if I had signed up for one month or for the summer, and I had my answer. That summer I put in more hours than anyone else, and was the only one to not miss a day. I hated every minute of it, but I learned about work, about commitments, and that sometimes you get to do things you would never do if you had the choice.
Give people the time they deserve. My dad never wears a watch. I don’t know why. I’ve never asked him. But I see it as fitting with his ability to make everyone feel they are the most important person he could be talking with at that moment.
Build a fire. This one goes out to all you Eagle scouts out there. To review, there are three components.

(1) The tinder, one to two handfuls. Bone-dry, snappable twigs. Bone-dry pine needles. Bone-dry bark (preferably birch, it burns long and hot). Or paper. Yes, bone-dry.
(2) The kindling, enough that you need two hand it hold it. Should be as thick as your thumb and as long as your hand span.
(3) The fuel wood. Anything thick and long enough that it can’t be broken by hand. It’s okay if it is slightly damp, but it will smoke more. The thicker it is, the longer it will burn, but the more it will smoke.

I prefer using a teepee for steps one and two, and then transitioning to a log cabin at step three as I think it creates a hotter core, though one method isn’t necessarily superior to another. The idea is to create some kind of structure so plenty of air gets to the fire. If you’re dropping logs on the fire an indiscriminate pile, you’re doing it wrong.
Say no. Sometime, you have to do it. Not because you’re lazy. Not because you don’t want to help. But because there are only so many hours in a day and you need to prioritize.
Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. Use his first name. Don’t use baby talk. Don’t crank up your energy to match his. Ask questions and wait for answers (not a bad idea with people of any age). Follow up. Concentrate on seeing the child as a person of his own.
Speak to a waiter so he will hear. You don’t own the restaurant, so don’t act like it. You do own the transaction, so act like it. Don’t speak into the menu. Lift your chin. Make eye contact. Speak clearly and smile. Don’t have fun at their expense. Say thank you and mean it. All restaurants have secrets. Let it be known that you expect to see some of them. This applies in principle to everyone whose job it is to serve you. Consider the grocery store clerk, the bus driver, the airline stewardess, etc. It is not about getting better service. It is about human decency.
Break another man’s grip on your wrist/forarm. Rotate your arm rapidly in the grip toward the other guy’s thumb.
Take a photo. Fill the frame, and know when to center the subject matter and when not to. Keep horizon lines out of the center.
Take a date to a game. Chances are, she’s condescending to be with you, so don’t explain the game condescendingly to her. Even better, talk about something other than the game. If she does ask questions, answer them in a straightforward manner.
Know when to split cards in blackjack. Aces and eights. Always. It’s a counting man’s game, afterall.
Don’t gamble. The house always wins, and you aren’t the exception. Not to mention, it is a lazy man’s effort to get what he doesn’t deserve and feel clever at the same time.
Be brand loyal when it counts. I have an autistic brother. Years ago, one of the Barnes & Noble booktores in Salt Lake gave him a job. It was a nominal wage as he sat and flipped through (read: tore) books. As I recall, he didn’t have it long as it didn’t work out too well. The point, though, is that they tried, and I buy my books from Barnes & Noble. Excellence deserves loyalty.
Be loyal. Did you notice the segue? But now we’re talking about people and fraternal love. Loyalty is not a matter of quid pro quo. No. It is the recognition of a shared history; the currency of selflessness, given without expectation and capable of the most stellar returns. Those of you who have met my oldest brother, Mike, know of what I speak.
Write a thank-you note. Make a habit of it. Follow a simple formula. I like the following: first line is a thesis statement. The second is evidentiary. The third is a kind of assertion. Close on an uptick. Consider:

Thanks for having me over to watch game six. Boston certainly made it clear that the Lakers are a soulless, overmarketed contrivance of network television. Still, it was nice to watch the frustration on Kobe’s face in high def. We should do it again this fall when my Red Sox embarrass your Yankees (we were speaking of overmarketed contrivances, weren’t we?) again.

Point north. If you have a watch, point the hour hand at the sun, then find the point directly between the hour hand and the twelve. That’s south. The opposite direction is north. If you don’t have a watch, use your imagination.
Find his way out of the woods when (not ‘if’) lost. Not your landmarks (mountains, streams, highway sounds if you’re not too deep, etc.). Look for the sun (note: not at the sun) to gauge your direction every few minutes. If you’re completely stuck, look for a creek and follow it downstream. Water flows toward larger bodies of water, where people tend to gather.

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A man should be able to...

A few weeks ago I came across an article that identified 75 different things a man should be able to do. As I sat at dinner tonight with the research team and listened to the conversations around the table, I decided to start putting together my own list. Some of this is for Caleb. Some of this is for me. Some of this is from the original list. I’ll likely add to the list as time goes on, but this is tonight’s version.

Discuss a book that matters. The Catcher in the Rye does not matter. Not really. Neither does anything by J.K. Rowling, Tom Clancy, Stephen King, or John Grisham. You need to read, and you need to be able to read beyond the story. If you’re not sure where to start, consider All Quiet on the Western Front, To Kill a Mockingbird, or Frankenstein.
Not monopolize the conversation. You’re not as interesting a person as you think you are.
Write a letter. Easy to do. Easy to forget. Our culture of text messaging, instant messaging, and email has destroyed our ability to write coherent sentences (you know, nouns, verbs, punctuation, etc.), not to mention a full letter. A five-paragraph structure works pretty well. Tell why you're writing. Offer details. Ask questions. Give news. Add a specific memory or two. If your handwriting is terrible, type. Always close formally.
Buy a suit. Never shop the bargain rack, and always get it fitted. Know your likes, your dislikes, and why you need it. Squeeze the fabric. If it bounces back with little or no sign of wrinkling, that’s good. Tug the buttons gently. If they feel loose or wobbly, that’s bad. The jacket’s shoulder pads should square your shoulders; if they droop or leave dents in the cloth, it doesn’t fit. The pant legs should touch the top of your shoes with about an inch of fabric to spare (suits are to be worn while standing, not sitting). The sleeves should meet the base of your thumb at your wrist. Your shirt sleeves should extend beyond your coat sleeves 1/8” to 1/4” inch. As an aside, this is the most difficult code of fashion to maintain.
Show respect without drawing attention to it. Respect the following, in this order: age, experience, record, reputation.
Throw a punch. Stay close, but not too close. Swing with your shoulders, not your arm. You don’t have a haymaker and long punches rarely land squarely anyway, so forget the roundhouse. Follow through; don’t pop and pull back after contact. The length you give the punch should come in the form of extension after the point of contact (i.e., target about three inches behind the back of his head). If for some crazy reason you decide to throw the first punch, stay toe-to-toe and face the consequence. Just remember, the bones in your hand are small and easy to break. You’re better off striking hard with the heel of your palm. Or you could buy the guy a drink and talk it out.
Tie a tie with more than one knot. I prefer a Double Windsor, since it usually creates a more balanced knot, but it takes a lot of material. The Full Windsor and the Half Windsor are handy when I’m trying to working with a shorter tie.
Do math in his head. I’m not talking about differential calculus, just basic arithmetic functions with mostly round numbers. Mental algebra should not be a parlor trick.
Calculate square footage (length time width) and square a corner (a² + b² = c²).
Not be intimidated. I’ve gone to the same grill the last two days for lunch in Tampa Bay. 90% of the clientèle have graduate degrees. The guy behind the counter, who probably didn't graduate from high school, made the lunch a rich experience. He worked hard enough that he didn’t have to tell stupid jokes. He didn’t stare, and he wasn’t afraid to look you in the eye. He knew things I didn’t, but didn’t feel the need to talk about them every minute. He didn’t scrape or apologize for his status or his job or the way he was dressed. He simply did his job confidently, skillfully, and with quiet relish. Act like that guy.
Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. Use a contractor’s hammer. My personal preference is a 26 oz. Estwing with a waffle head. Swing hard and loose like a forehand in racquetball.
Play chess with an old guy. Old men will try to crush you. They'll drown you in meaningless chatter, tell stories about when they were kids this or in Korea that. Or they'll retreat into a taciturn posture designed to get you to do the talking. They'll note your strategies without mentioning them, keep the stakes at a level they can control, and change up their pace of play just to get you stumbling. You have to do this; you have to play their game. They may have been playing for decades. You take a beating as a means of absorbing the lessons they've learned without taking a lesson. But don't be afraid to take them down. They can handle it.
Play Candy Land with a kid. You don't crush kids. You talk their ear off, make an event out of it, tell them stories about when you were a kid this or in Vegas that. You have to play their game, too, even though they may have been playing only for weeks. Observe. Teach them without once offering a lesson. And don't be afraid to win. They can handle it.
Understand quantum physics well enough to accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. Tonight at dinner one of the waiters dropped a tray full of very breakable items. I made a mental wager on who would win, quantum physics or Newton. Well, the bowls, glasses, plates, all shattered (score one for Newton), but it led to a discussion about an infinite number of universes and a corresponding infinite numbers of possibilities, and if one of the universes duplicated another could you capture the entire field of possibilities? Turns out, sometimes the laws of physics aren't laws at all. Oh, and yes, I did bet on Newton.
Feign interest. Good place to start: quantum physics.
Make a bed, do the dishes, do the laundry, iron a shirt (start rough, end gentle), change a diaper (always gentle).
Jump-start a car (without any drama), change a flat tire (safely), change the oil.
Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. I'll give you one hint, then you're on your own: turn off the main. If you don't know what that means, or why it should matter, ask for help.
Dress a wound. First, stop the bleeding. Apply pressure using a gauze pad. Stay with the pressure. If you can't stop the bleeding, forget the next step, just get to a hospital. Once the bleeding stops, clean the wound. Use water or saline solution; a little soap is good, too. If you can't get the wound clean, then forget the next step, just get to a hospital. Finally, dress the wound. For a laceration, push the edges together and apply a butterfly bandage. For avulsions, where the skin is punctured and pulled back like a trapdoor, push the skin back and use a butterfly. Slather the area in antibacterial ointment. Cover the wound with a gauze pad taped into place. Change that dressing every 12 hours, checking carefully for signs of infection. Better yet, get to a hospital.
Hit a stop shot in pool. Put the cue on the bottom quarter of the cue ball. Hit it hard and pull back. If you did it right, it will rotate backward slowly as it slides forward across the table and will stop the instant it connects with the ball. If you did it wrong, it will follow the ball into the hole and you just lost the game. This is probably the most useful shot in pool.
Tell a joke. Here’s one: Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other, hands him a bill, and says, “Hey, here's that $20 I owe you.”

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