On organic matter

What, exactly, is organic matter? Every so often, I'll fixate on a question and, no matter where I am or what I am doing, it fires across the synapses of my brain, constantly mocking my intellect with its absurdity. For the past 44 hours, I have been pondering the meaning of this term: as I bathe in the shower, as I zone during conference calls at work, as I try to fall asleep in my bed, as I remove pound after pound of a dark gray material from the kitchen sink; a substance, they tell me, known as organic matter.

Tuesday night while cleaning up dinner I noticed that, as I poured water down one drain in our sink, the other would fill up. At first I thought this a neat trick and considered taking my sink to audition for David Letterman's "Stupid Human Tricks" (I've never been sure which term the adjective stupid was meant to modify), but then realized that this was the equivalent of a teenage boy laughing milk through his nose.

I have never found someone laughing milk through his nose amusing. Now, even less so. Tuesday night turned into Wednesday morning before I finally conceded the first match and went to bed. Wednesday night held more promise. I donned my lucky ACE sweatshirt and, with the Lovely Wife and Boy cheerleading (picture The Boy crawling under your arm, looking up in your face and saying, "Hi, Daddy. Fig it."), attacked the clogged drain like a man repossessed. Match two ended about an hour and a half later, but only because I ran out of auger (sink 2, me 0). I took out my frustration on the basketball court and called a plumber.

I think my sweatshirt is defective.

So, one half-gallon bottle of Drano Max Gel, one box of baking soda, one gallon of white vinegar, two p-traps, 14 gallons of boiling water, 25 feet of auger, 109 dollars, and one male ego later, the issue was resolved. Neesha tells me the sink is flowing smoothly now, and the plumber is telling me that it happens to everyone. And I'm left to ponder the deeper meaning of the term, organic matter. While certainly not on par with world peace, or even sunless tanning, I believe the successful resolution of this issue will be the defining moment of the 21st Century.

mw