What I Have Learned From Playing Video Games

Neesha journeyed to the land of her fathers last weekend. Actually, it was Idaho Falls to visit her grandparents, but "land of her fathers" sounds more exotic. Not that Idaho Falls doesn't sound exotic and exciting, of course, it's just a different kind of excitement. Anyway, that Saturday night Ryan came over and we frittered the hours away chasing Wookies and dodging snipers on Star Wars: Battlefront II on the Xbox. It was a fun way for two brothers to spend an evening.

Many people feel video games are a waste of time and should be played at a minimum, if at all. Just because I agree with them doesn't mean I'm not going to argue the point. To that end, I want to share with you some of the valuable lessons I have learned from my time wielding a controller. As an editorial note, this list ignores the obvious lessons, such as knowing exactly what to do if the Earth ever falls under intergalactic assault from the Covenant or the Empire.

1. Asking questions only leads to poorly-scripted dialogue with someone you are likely to shoot anyway. Shoot first and save time for both of you.
2. Scantily clad women have just as much protection against bullets, swords, and explosions as heavily armored men.
3. If you get stuck and don’t know what to do next, start throwing grenades.
4. Point totals are a lousy way to keep score.
5. Flowers make you spit fire, stars make you invincible, and mushrooms make you grow large.
6. Facing 50-to-1 odds only means you should switch to full automatic.
7. You will never encounter a problem that can’t be solved with a better weapon.
8. Princesses have a thing for pudgy Italian plumbers, and big turtles have a thing for princesses.
9. Zombies like to eat innocent humans, which is okay. They also like to eat you, which is not.
10. When in doubt, shoot it, kick it, or blow it up.
11. 300-meter headshots never get old.
12. Shotguns and sticks of dynamite are useful. But when you are stuck on the wrong side of a dead-end alley with 100 flesh-eating zombies between you and that bright ray of hope called the next level, only two words should hold any meaning for you: “chain – saw.”
13. The terms “ally” and “follower” are euphemisms for cannon fodder.
14. If you see a shadowy shape in the distance and it doesn’t look human, shoot it. In fact, even if it does look human, shoot it anyway and you should be well on your way.
15. Inverted controls are superior. Just remember, “To go up, you must push down.”
16. Women in video games have no comprehension of the term, “A-cup.”
17. You can predict what is coming next in life by listening to the music. Cheerful music means you can get a drink and use the restroom. Ominous music means you should reload. No music means you should repent. Listen to the music.
18. Sam Fisher is the only white man as bad as Mr. Samuel L. Jackson.
19. “All your base are belong to us.”
20. Never underestimate the power of a well-thrown turtle shell or newspaper.
21. Up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-start.

mw
(no, Neesha had no hand in this one and she would like to make that point very clear to any and all who may read this)