Saturday's chores

Last Saturday I replaced our bathroom light fixtures and all the faucets in our house with a little bit of help. Surprisingly, we escaped with only two accidents, one of which led to the other. At one point, The Boy wound up catching himself in the head with a pair of 12" channel-locks. I was on my back at the time and looked up just in time for that same set of pliers to land on my face.





mw

Caleb Through 2007

Last Christmas, it was this:



This year, it was this:



In between was pretty good too:



mw

The Oval

We have learned that buying paintings is the easy part. Neesha gave me a signed copy of Greg Olsen's A Prayer for Peace for Christmas. It is one of his least well-known pieces, and is a departure from his typical motif. It is also one of my favorites and I'm grateful to Neesha for it. Having acquired the painting, a process that in itself took multiple years, the real challenge emerged, however, as finding a place to hang a new picture in a fully-furnished home.

We settled on hanging it in our family room in a place previously occupied by a quote from Nelson Mandela, which Liz had put into an oval frame and mat for us. It was a prominent place for the picture, which suited me, and it filled the space well, which pleased Neesha. Satisfied, we hung the picture, relegated the former occupant to a dark corner of a dark closet, and all was well.

The Boy woke up from his nap one hour later. The two of us were playing on the floor of the family room when he looked up at Daddy's new painting, cocked his head to one side, then turned to me and asked, "Ovoh?" Now, in my defense, he is only twenty-one months and a lot of his words sound alike; I reached over, picked up him up, and spun him up-side-down by his ankles, thus turning him "over." He patiently let me know I got that one wrong.

Right-side-up with the normal amount of blood in his head again, he guided me over to the wall. There he explained that, while I may like the new painting, he preferred the old one and would I please put it back up, thank you very much. Not in so many words, perhaps, but that is what I understand from, "Ovoh. Ba up. Wie hewe. Wah" ("Oval. Back up. Right here. Wall." I find it remarkable how much meaning kids can put into so few mispronounced words).

I took him upstairs, showed him the oval frame, and explained that we would put it back up at some point, but for right now it was going to stay in the closet. I then went down to the kitchen to tell Neesha the situation and how I had resolved it as only a dad could. When I walked back into the family room, The Boy was standing on the couch with the Nelson Mandela quote in hand, trying his best to hang it on the wall. This isn't as delicate a process as you might imagine.

Neesha made some comment that doesn't bear repeating about how dads resolve things, then asked The Boy if he would like to help Daddy hang the picture in his room. So, together, The Boy and I found a stud over his dresser and hung the picture across from his crib. I'm pretty sure I missed the stud, but I did make my son happy.

Once I had thought I would hang The Oval, as it is now known, in my office. I'm thinking The Boy's room suits it much better, now.

mw

Merry Christmas from M&N

Growing up, each Christmas Eve we would gather around Dad and listen as he read Christmas stories to us. Some of the perennial favorites were How the Grinch Stole Christmas, The Night Before Christmas (complete with ad libs; "away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up,") and The 12 Days of Christmas as told by Kermit the Frog, though I think in later years I was the only one who enjoyed that one. I believe Dad's favorite was The Littlest Angel, which is one I intend to pass on to my children.

Every year's reading ended with "The Christmas Story" as found in the second chapter of Luke. This year, as we spend more time with our own families during the holidays, it has been brought home to me how comfortable those days were. As each of you celebrate your own Christmas Eve, my one wish is that you know how grateful Neesha, The Boy and I are for you and how much we love you.

"And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all ^athe world should be ^btaxed. (And this ^ataxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called ^aBethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) To be taxed with Mary his ^aespoused wife, being great with child

"And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her ^afirstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the ^binn.

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the ^aglory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you ^agood tidings of great ^bjoy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is ^aborn this day in the city of David a ^bSaviour, which is Christ the ^cLord. And this shall be a ^asign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, ^aGlory to God in the highest, and on earth ^bpeace, good will toward men."

mw

The Canadians Outwitted Us on Boxing Day

Rob: You taking any time off for Christmas?
Me: Yeah. I have PTO the two days after.
Rob: That's right. You guys don't get Boxing Day, do you?
Me: No. I think that is pretty much a Commonwealth thing. We're the revolutionaries, remember?
Rob: Sure, but while you were throwing off the yoke, you couldn't keep Boxing Day?
Me: I guess the Founding Fathers were too busy starting wars.
Rob: So why haven't you re-instituted it?
Me: Same reason, I suppose.
Rob: *chuckles*
Me: So what's the story with Boxing Day?
Rob: I don't know. I stay home and drink wine all day.

Something tells me I don't give Canadians enough credit.

mw

That's It, Then.

1. 13 classes
2. 39 accredited hours
3. 312 hours of lecture
4. 1,248 hours of homework
5. 8,125 pages read
6. 4 debates
7. 4 favorable decisions
8. 22 presentations
9. 9.5 hours presenting
10. 11 mid-terms
11. 10 finals
12. 52.5 hours sitting for exams
13. 8 group projects
    
14. 75 pages for a thesis
15. 38 papers
16. 760 sources researched and cited
17. 950 pages written
18. 1 graduate

mw

On Beauty Pageants

I was in the MBA lab at school a few weeks ago and overheard a conversation from a group of women. One of them had just returned from a beauty pageant where she had placed second and was complaining about who had placed first. I ignored most of what was said until I heard the line, "...and you should have heard her answer to the last question!"

I'm not an expert on beauty pageants, but as I understand them the finalists are asked an issues-oriented question before the judges announce who they had already voted for. This gives the pageant hosts something to point to when they say they are not objectifying women, and it provides the contestants an opportunity to say, "World peace," with a straight face.

The question: What is humanity's greatest development?

The answer: Sunless tanning.

I suppose you have to give her credit for realizing we have yet to work out all the kinks in world peace.

mw

At Stake Conference, pt. 2

Bishop: For those of you too young to know what a record is, it's a black disk that you set on a turntable with a needle and it plays music.
Talmage: That was for you, Mark.
...
Bishop: For those of you too old to know what an iPod is, it's a small device that carries and plays songs.
Me: That was for you, Talmage.

At Stake Conference, pt. 1

Recently Returned Senior Sister Missionary: I miss being a missionary. I miss wearing my name tag. I miss having people walk up to me and look at my chest.
Me: *starting awake* Wait...what?
Talmage: Let it go.

We Cuddled a Bit Longer That Night

I came home from school in time to get The Boy ready for bed. Part of the routine involves washing his hands. He sits at the sink in only his diaper (some nights I let him wear his pajamas, which usually necessitates another changing; I don't know why I do that), and as I hold his hands under the water to help him scrub we sing the ABCs. Usually he sings along with me, but this night he just watches me in the mirror with eyes as bright and honest as they are blue. We finish and I reach to turn the faucet off, but he asks for "moe" (more). I wash his hands and sing the ABCs again. When we're done I ask if we should do it again. He shows me his dimple before saying, "yeah." I realize it isn't the hand washing or even my singing he is asking for. I skip the song this time, and we just listen to the water splash in the sink. My hands engulf his. They are so small; fragile, yet I can feel the strength in them. When we finish he puts his thumb in his mouth, lays his head on my arm, and closes his eyes.

mw

Merry Christmas in Utah

Reading this (from Durrant) made me happy.

On my first Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Popcorn popping on the apricot tree.

On my second Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two years on a mission
And the Smart family on my TV.

On my third Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Three Degrees of Glory
Two years in Australia
And a First Amendment controversy.

On my fourth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
4-A high school roundball
Three Sunday meetings
Two years in Korea
And that business with the SLOC.

On my fifth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
FIVE-QUART ICE CREAMS
Four firing squads
Three scrapbooks
Two years in Peru
And a movie that's G or PG

On my sixth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Six kids and counting
FIVE YEARS OF DROUGHT
Four quilting bees
Three meth labs
Two years in Japan
And a reservoir that's almost empty

On my seventh Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Seven singing Osmonds
Six kids and counting
FIVE TOM GREEN WIVES
Forbidden love
Three spudnuts
Two years in Brazil
And a single political party

On my eighth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eight cups of Postum
Seven kids and counting
Six beehive hairdos
FIVE MONTHS OF SNOW
Forty private clubs (for members)
Three-two beer
Two years in Taiwan
And a salty lake that's really stinky

On my ninth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Nine percent minorities
Eight kids and counting
Seventies in Conference
Sixteen to start dating
FIVE FEET OF SLUSH (Oh my heck!)
Forgeries for sale
Three-piece suits
Two years in Ukraine
And a fiancé in Happy Valley

On my tenth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Ten bucks for parking
Nine kids and counting
Eight missing off-ramps
Seven guns per person
Six famous golfers
UTAH BY FIVE
Fourteen ski resorts
Three fault lines
Two years in Detroit
And a minivan or SUV

On my eleventh Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eleven Mormon temples
Ten kids and counting
Nine NuSkin neighbors
Ate at Chuck-a-Rama
Theven thpecial thpiritth
Six Jell-o salads
FIVE ORRIN TERMS (Oh my Hatch!)
Forecast is cold
Three Eubanks
Two years in Tibet
And an uncompleted Legacy
(Highway)

On my twelfth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve-year-old deacons
Eleven kids and counting
Ten percent tithing
Nine zillion seagulls
Ate a bunch of crickets
Seven Peaks in Provo
Six hours to Vegas
FIVE PRO SPORTS TEAMS
Four standard works
Three Nephites
Tooele ROCKS!

And a Robert Lund Christmas CD!
(from Elves Gone Wild!)

Idaho farmers

I left the Jeep's lights on at work the other day. I put a good battery in there, but when I came out that thing didn't even have enough juice to tease me about starting up. Jeff Stokes, one of the guys on my floor, was coming out of the office at about that same time and he was kind enough to give me a jump. As we talked I found out he lives in Mountain Green, and I mentioned that Mom and Dad live in Enterprise.

Jeff: Where in Enterprise?
Me: You know where the church is? Immediately across the street.
Jeff: I know exactly which house you're talking about! The one with the beautiful garden!

You're famous, Dad. Jeff is convinced you were a master farmer in Idaho who sold the farm and moved down here. There isn't anything you need to tell us, is there?


mw

The Hose

There is a hose bibb behind the bushes in front of our townhome. It is situated between our unit and the unit to the east of us and is for the general use of anyone who knows it is there. One of these is a dear lady who has been our next-door neighbor since we moved in three years ago. She has several plants and flowers out front that she waters on a frequent basis, and she keeps a hose attached to the faucet to do so.

A few weeks ago Neesha and I were watching the weather, and Kevin Eubank told us that it was going to start dipping below freezing at night. At about that same moment, Julia (our neighbor) turned on the faucet to give her hobby a drink. Not wanting to have an issue during the winter or next spring, we made it a point before going to bed each night to check that the hose had been removed from the faucet. Most nights it wasn't and we would take care of it.

After several nights of this Neesha ran into Julia carrying the hose on her way to the dumpster. Neesha asked if she was throwing it away, and Julia said she was. "The dumb thing keeps popping off the faucet at night."

mw

Our Pagan Festival

Last night we renewed our pagan tradition celebrating the bountiful (or Centerville) tomato(e) harvest. I tried to convince Neesha that we should sacrifice a virgin this year, but she felt that would be a bad idea. In lieu thereof we had family over for dinner and the guests of honor were Grandma and Grandpa. Neesha made some lasagna for dinner and all in all I think it was a pleasant evening.

The night's center ring was dominated, of course, by Caleb and Austyn. I think it remarkable how patient four-year-old Austyn is with her 20-month-old cousin, who just happens to be a boy. For Caleb's part, he seems to idolize her more each time he sees her. I just hope he always picks his role models so well.

mw

Jack Burton! Who?

Kath outed me as a blogger. I think it is what the courts refer to as entrapment. First she tells me she has a blog and sends me the website, then she challenges me to start a blog, and then she pulls my blog (in beta, no less) out from the deepest corner of my online closet for all the world to see. I think it is the equivalent of giving me the drugs, administering the drugs, and then telling everyone I'm a junkie.

That being the case, after Sunday it seems I owe everyone a bit of an explanation. The original address for this blog (www.jacksmallzburton.blogspot.com) seemed to cause a bit of confusion, though I felt justified when Mike understood the reference. He is, after all, to blame. Jacksmallzburton is my online moniker. It is a combination of the names of my two favorite fictional characters: Jack Burton, the hero from the cult classic, Big Trouble in Little China, and me.

Mike is the one who introduced me to Big Trouble in Little China. Made in the mid-80s, it is about a group of Chinese martial-art magicians in San Francisco about to conquer the world and the lone, independent trucker (Jack Burton, played by Kurt Russell) who gets in their way. To help those not as culturally attuned as myself develop an appreciation for this film and its masterful dialogue, I will be posting several of my favorite quotes from the film on this same blog (there is a phrase I never thought I would say).

Smallz (pronounced 'smallz') is a nickname I picked up on my mission in the infamous Fitzgerald district. Yes, we did in fact have t-shirts and everything. The name has evolved into my virtual id for playing video games and in the world of Battlefront has gained quite the reputation.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there...

• Like I told my last wife, I said, "Honey, I never drive faster than I can see, and besides that, it's all in the reflexes."
• When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, looks you crooked in the eye and asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" "Yessir, the check is in the mail."
• Is this gonna get ugly now? I hope not. Because I thought what we were here, racial differences notwithstanding, was just a couple of old buddies. You know, both of us Californians...
• I'm gonna tell you about my truck, and I DON'T wanna hear "act of God!"
• Okay, you people! Sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. If we're not back by dawn, call the president.
• Shut up Mr Burton! You were not brought upon this world to "get it!"
• Hey, I'm a reasonable guy. But I've just experienced some very unreasonable things.
• Everybody relax; I'm here.
• I took something. I can see things other men can't see. Why are you dressed like that?
• You know what Jack Burton always says at a time like this? Jack Burton says, what the hell?
• Just remember what ol' Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big old storm right in the eye and says, "Give me your best shot. I can take it."

mw

Information Security

I work for a company that provides global outsourcing and consulting services for some of the leading companies in the world. Due to the nature of our relationship we have access to proprietary information which if generally known in the market would reduce our client's ability to compete. With our financial clients we also have access to private financial information such as social security numbers, credit cards numbers, bank account numbers, etc. Accordingly, one area we constantly seek to improve in is information security.

This afternoon a broadcast email was sent out announcing new security guidelines had been established to comply with the latest interpretation of ISO. The email indicated this information was critical for all employees as it represented a significant change in policy. A link to the document was provided in the email, which I followed.

My access was denied due to insufficient security clearance.

mw