Saturday, June 28, 2008

A man should be able to...

I made a few updates on the plane.

Shake hands. Steady, firm grip, pump 1.5 times, let go. Make eye contact. Smiles don’t hurt either, but it shouldn’t be goofy.
Tie a knot. My default is the square knot, and it works as a pretty good base for every other knot I need to tie. Every time I tie it I hear Brother Ferrin’s voice in my head: “Wright! Right over left, left over right!” “My right or yours?” “It doesn’t matter!”
Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap (on target), throw a football with a tight spiral (again, on target), and hit an eight-foot jumper reliably. Otherwise, play more ball.
Avoid boredom. You have enough to east. You can move. This must be acknowledged as a kind of freedom. You don’t always have to buy things, put things in your mouth, or be delighted.
Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. Just like Edde Sellers.
Do a job you don’t want to do and learn from it. When I was thirteen I took a job preparing the fields at the city ballpark for the games. It required a lot of time (at least for a thirteen-year-old) and didn’t pay much (even for a thirteen-year-old). After about a month I asked my dad if I could quit. He asked if I had signed up for one month or for the summer, and I had my answer. That summer I put in more hours than anyone else, and was the only one to not miss a day. I hated every minute of it, but I learned about work, about commitments, and that sometimes you get to do things you would never do if you had the choice.
Give people the time they deserve. My dad never wears a watch. I don’t know why. I’ve never asked him. But I see it as fitting with his ability to make everyone feel they are the most important person he could be talking with at that moment.
Build a fire. This one goes out to all you Eagle scouts out there. To review, there are three components.

(1) The tinder, one to two handfuls. Bone-dry, snappable twigs. Bone-dry pine needles. Bone-dry bark (preferably birch, it burns long and hot). Or paper. Yes, bone-dry.
(2) The kindling, enough that you need two hand it hold it. Should be as thick as your thumb and as long as your hand span.
(3) The fuel wood. Anything thick and long enough that it can’t be broken by hand. It’s okay if it is slightly damp, but it will smoke more. The thicker it is, the longer it will burn, but the more it will smoke.

I prefer using a teepee for steps one and two, and then transitioning to a log cabin at step three as I think it creates a hotter core, though one method isn’t necessarily superior to another. The idea is to create some kind of structure so plenty of air gets to the fire. If you’re dropping logs on the fire an indiscriminate pile, you’re doing it wrong.
Say no. Sometime, you have to do it. Not because you’re lazy. Not because you don’t want to help. But because there are only so many hours in a day and you need to prioritize.
Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. Use his first name. Don’t use baby talk. Don’t crank up your energy to match his. Ask questions and wait for answers (not a bad idea with people of any age). Follow up. Concentrate on seeing the child as a person of his own.
Speak to a waiter so he will hear. You don’t own the restaurant, so don’t act like it. You do own the transaction, so act like it. Don’t speak into the menu. Lift your chin. Make eye contact. Speak clearly and smile. Don’t have fun at their expense. Say thank you and mean it. All restaurants have secrets. Let it be known that you expect to see some of them. This applies in principle to everyone whose job it is to serve you. Consider the grocery store clerk, the bus driver, the airline stewardess, etc. It is not about getting better service. It is about human decency.
Break another man’s grip on your wrist/forarm. Rotate your arm rapidly in the grip toward the other guy’s thumb.
Take a photo. Fill the frame, and know when to center the subject matter and when not to. Keep horizon lines out of the center.
Take a date to a game. Chances are, she’s condescending to be with you, so don’t explain the game condescendingly to her. Even better, talk about something other than the game. If she does ask questions, answer them in a straightforward manner.
Know when to split cards in blackjack. Aces and eights. Always. It’s a counting man’s game, afterall.
Don’t gamble. The house always wins, and you aren’t the exception. Not to mention, it is a lazy man’s effort to get what he doesn’t deserve and feel clever at the same time.
Be brand loyal when it counts. I have an autistic brother. Years ago, one of the Barnes & Noble booktores in Salt Lake gave him a job. It was a nominal wage as he sat and flipped through (read: tore) books. As I recall, he didn’t have it long as it didn’t work out too well. The point, though, is that they tried, and I buy my books from Barnes & Noble. Excellence deserves loyalty.
Be loyal. Did you notice the segue? But now we’re talking about people and fraternal love. Loyalty is not a matter of quid pro quo. No. It is the recognition of a shared history; the currency of selflessness, given without expectation and capable of the most stellar returns. Those of you who have met my oldest brother, Mike, know of what I speak.
Write a thank-you note. Make a habit of it. Follow a simple formula. I like the following: first line is a thesis statement. The second is evidentiary. The third is a kind of assertion. Close on an uptick. Consider:

Thanks for having me over to watch game six. Boston certainly made it clear that the Lakers are a soulless, overmarketed contrivance of network television. Still, it was nice to watch the frustration on Kobe’s face in high def. We should do it again this fall when my Red Sox embarrass your Yankees (we were speaking of overmarketed contrivances, weren’t we?) again.

Point north. If you have a watch, point the hour hand at the sun, then find the point directly between the hour hand and the twelve. That’s south. The opposite direction is north. If you don’t have a watch, use your imagination.
Find his way out of the woods when (not ‘if’) lost. Not your landmarks (mountains, streams, highway sounds if you’re not too deep, etc.). Look for the sun (note: not at the sun) to gauge your direction every few minutes. If you’re completely stuck, look for a creek and follow it downstream. Water flows toward larger bodies of water, where people tend to gather.

mw

2 comments:

Katherine said...

I sure hope the list of what a woman should be able to do is shorter - maybe we could say "boil water" and "dial the phone number of the man" and call it good :)

Unknown said...

That's some good stuff, bodie. I don't know where you get it from. You MUST be adopted, and your parents must be very smart illegals....
:)

I'm with kath - I want to see the list for women. Careful - this is dangerous ground, btw.